Warm Up Riddles
I am too tired, but cannot sleep. I have spoke, but cannot speak.
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A bicycle (“two-tired”).
I pack a punch, but cannot fight. Poke me and I can delight.
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A “fruit punch” capri sun.
I have four legs, but cannot walk. I have a head, but cannot talk.
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A bed.
I’m underground, I’m in the air. Without me, you would not be here. You’ll be cool if you stick with me, but you will not find me in the sea.
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Trees.
I love to hump, I always spit. If you wanna ride, you gotta sit.
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A camel (or JPC). 2018! Turn up my snare. Fortnite. Dabbin’ on your corpses.
When I am drunk, I drink my piss. I wish that I could kiss my sis. I play a badger on a show. I drink piss, I’m a pervert, and I’m stupid. Who am I?
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This is a tough one…
A gang of thieves rob a warehouse one night. They capture two night watchmen and place them, unharmed and unbound, in the trunk of a car park nearby. The next morning, employees hear sounds coming from the trunk and open it. One man steps out alive and well, the other is dead. How did one of them survive?
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One of them suffocated; the other lived by breathing the air from the spare tire in the trunk.
Main Riddles
A wife gave her husband a single article of food; he died as a result of eating it. Even though thousands of people heard of it, she was never brought to trial. Why?
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It’s Adam and Eve.
Mr. Kevin was reading a newspaper and came across an article about the death of a woman in the Swiss Alps. Reading that Dr. Jones’ wife had accidentally fallen to her death while skiing, Mr. Kevin went to the police and told them Dr. Jones had murdered his wife. After questioning by the police, Dr. Jones confessed to the crime. How did Mr. Kevin know what happened?
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Mr. Kevin was a travel agent who had booked their trip to the Alps. The husband had bought two tickets going there, but only one ticket home — he knew his wife would die.
A traveler on a deserted road came upon a body of a man lying by the roadside. The dead man was wearing a knapsack. Though there were no marks on the body or blood anywhere, the traveler could tell what happened. How did the man die?
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His parachute didn’t open. […but there actually would be blood]
George lived with his Aunt Mabel, whose sanity he sometimes doubted. One day, Aunt Mabel was bragging about what an expert she had been at her former line of work. “I’ll just get my clippings and show you,” she said. George took one look at the clippings, then called the police. Why?
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She was a barber and had saved people’s hair. You know — a man can just call the police on a woman and put her in a home!
Listener Submitted Riddles
A man is running down a hallway with a piece of paper. The lights flicker. He turns around and walks away. What happened?
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The man is in prison running toward an execution room, holding a piece of paper with the governor’s pardon. When the lights flicker, he realizes the electric chair execution had already been completed. (NOT “The man is lightning, the flicker is Benjamin Franklin.”