What animal has the biggest breasts?
Zebra (no, don’t tell anyone this, as shown by Erin’s reaction, that’s not how bra sizing works)
What 3-letter word turns boy into men and girls into women?
A woman walked into a police station “I want report a pickpocket” she announced. A man staggered in behind her, his hand in her coat pocket. “Arrest that man,” she continued, pointing at him. He was arrested, tried, and convicted of picking pockets. Why did he enter the police station in a posture that obviously suggested his crime?
In this true story, a neighborhood pickpocket was caught by a woman, the wife of 18th century inventor Peter Cooper who sewed fish hooks into her coat pocket. When he caught his hand on the hooks, she said “I am going to the police station and you are coming with me.” He cooperated to prevent serious injury to his hand.
Rocky Redneck carried a gun, he had a state issued firearm permit that allowed him to do so and he was careful to obey the law. One day, he went to visit his relatives across the country, in another state. Rocky had firearm permit from that state too and he could legally carry his gun there. He found out from the airlines that he could take his gun with him if it was declared to the airline staff and it was in checked baggage. Ever the law abiding citizen, Rocky packed the gun in a suitcase, told the airline clerk about it, and had the suitcase checked. So why was Rocky arrested for weapons possession?
Short Answer: Rocky had a layover in another state and didn’t have a permit in that state but decided to get his bag.
Full Answer: (Buckle up for this one, it’s a doozy and shows fundamental misunderstandings on how flying in the US works) Rocky took one airplane to an intermediate stop, got out, and got into a second airplane to his final destination. If he had told the airline that he was doing so, then his fare would have been higher. He was trying to save money by noting that the fares for the separate parts of the trip, were less than the equivalent fare for the whole trip (JPC rightfully found this ridiculous, that’s not how bag check-in works). Therefore he could not check the suitcase directly to the final destination, but had to retrieve it and recheck it at the intermediate stop. Rocky did not have a firearm permit for the state in which he made the intermediate stop, but was carrying the gun, He was arrested for that reason.
A burglar broke into a house, intending to steal from it. While still in the house he called the police, why?
Once inside the house, he fell breaking his leg. Pulling a telephone down from a table, he called an emergency police number for help and, though arrested, he received treatment for his leg.
You wake up in a room with no windows or doors. In the room is a table and a mirror, how do you get out?
You look in the mirror; you see what you saw. You take the saw and cut the table in half. You put the table halves together to make a whole. Then you put the hole in the wall and you climb out.
If you rip a hole in me, there will be fewer holes than when you started. What am I?
A net (also anything made of mesh would be correct)
I get baked, but I don’t get high. I wear a jacket, but I’m not a guy. I get smashed, but I do not drink. I am white or orange, but never pink. What am I?
An old apartment building caught fire, most apartments were damaged badly and many people were left homeless. An investigator arrived from the fire department. A shady man pulled him aside into a dark corner of the building and handed five hundred dollar bills. “It would be better for both of us,” said the shady man, “if something went wrong with the investigation. Those the papers or whatever.” The investigator looked at the money and protested, “But the landlord will want to file an insurance claim and needs a report.” “He won’t mind,” the shady man replied, “be nice to other victims and don’t ask questions.” The investigator pocketed the money and conveniently forgot the case. Why did the landlord not get upset?
The landlord set fire to his own building. It was occupied by tenants who paid a low rent that was restricted by law. If they moved out, then he would vacant apartments that could be offered at much higher rent than before. Incurring fire damage was a sensible investment for it removed low rent tenants and permit elegant remodeling into luxury apartments that could fetch very high rent.
Comes with sunshine, leaves with night. Hides with darkness, does not bite. Always joined to its caster, never strays from its master.
What can be returned without being borrowed?
If I am your brother, but you are not my brother. What are you?